Denial Of Sexual Orientation Doubles The Pain
I figured out I was a lesbian 10 years ago. At the time I had been married for 15 years. We had two kids, a dog, a station wagon and a house–but no white picket fence, thank God. When I made my discovery, everything I thought I knew about my reality crumbled around me and I cannot express the confusion and fear I felt. Paramount in my thoughts was my family. I felt sick about breaking up my family–I couldn’t even think about it at times, especially the effect on my kids. I would instantly break down in tears–at the dinner table, at class, at a store. Yet as time went on it became clearer and clearer to me that I had to leave the marriage in order to survive, emotionally and even physically, as I was having suicidal thoughts.
Looking back, I can now acknowledge the denial I was in when I got married. Although I had attractions to women all my life, I was unable to connect that with identifying myself as a lesbian. This was purely a survival strategy, totally on a subconscious level. My mind simply could not allow that admission, through fear of how I would be treated and viewed by society. So sad! The result was, I did what was expected…I got married and had children and lived in a kind of oblivion.
For years, denial seemed to work. My mind was silent while allowing me to weave an intricate and full life as a heterosexual…marrying, having children, forming community bonds. But denial turns out not to be permanent. After years of protection, the spell wore off, leaving me laid bare, as I am, my true sexual identity exposed and raw and as demanding as a newborn.
Now I see the great irony of it all. In the end, denial betrays us and doubles the pain. Far from sparing me from the pain I so feared–the anticipation of living as a lesbian–denial ultimately added the even more devastating pain of breaking up my family. Although I have been divorced for 5 years, it still hurts. I still have trouble thinking about the effects this has had on my family. Luckily, my kids and ex-husband seem to have weathered the storm, allowing me some peace with my past.
The saddest part is that the fears that drove me into denial have proved to be largely unfounded. By finally accepting myself and embracing my sexuality, instead of the suffering I imagined, I have experienced relief and a sense of peace and wholeness.
Pat Cheney is a life coach working with gays and lesbians who are coming out in midlife and with spouses in gay-straight marriages. To find out more about her services, visit Pat’s website at http://www.discoveringpride.com.